“I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same mind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.” – George Eliot from a letter to Georgiana Burne-Jones, 11 May 1875
When you meet someone – a potential friend – and you know like you know like you know that they might just be perfectly and permanently a friend, it’s a kind of falling in love both like and unlike the romantic fall (it’s a lot less stressful), but oh what a gift! There have been moments when I knew in an instant that this new to me person would be a friend for life, and – so far – those instants have become long connections between souls that I treasure, and for which I am deeply grateful.
Long before we met, I’d spoken to one best friend for life twice on the phone and, TBH, I remember thinking ‘what a bitch’. But, she’d been getting the same call regularly for over two years or more on the subject of an investment she’d made, and while it was not at all on her, or me (my predecessors didn’t believe in taking notes…), she was impatient with the repeated calls and what they may have been revealing, a.k.a. incompetence. Once we met for reals, face-to-face, I knew we would be pals, and said so (which, TBH, kinda freaked her out), adding ‘Let’s have lunch.’ We did, getting slightly and pleasantly sloshed sitting in the sun on 9th Avenue.
After that, we attended an event, a discussion forum – where we contributed our views, asked good questions, and giggled quite a bit; we were chastised when the event was over re: our levity by a member of the AA mafia, which made us howl with laughter, then and since. Why is it converts to whatever the thinking is (religion, sobriety, political parties etc.) are often such zealots? And, you do you, Tom. That memory began a journey of friendship that I already knew was for life, bay-bee!
I have always tended to be a best friend type person, having one close, close pal with whom I share life, mostly via phone and, latterly, text or email, but – over time, that style has changed, loosened, and my friend circle is broader, deeper, and – I believe – healthier. A need for peer friendships – although I treasure my older and younger friends, too – is one reasons I’ve never been a big fan of home schooling. We need our same age pals, those who are going through the living and doing and working and raising family and retiring and aging thing around about the same time we are.
Yet, all friends are a gift to be treasured.
The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love, whether we call it friendship or family or romance is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other’s light. Gentle work. Steadfast work. Life-saving work in those moments when life and shame and sorrow occlude our own light from our view, but there is still a clear-eyed loving person to beam it back. In our best moments, we are that person for another.- James Baldwin