“Women without children are also the best of mothers, often, with the patience, interest, and saving grace that the constant relationship with children cannot always sustain. I come to crave our talk and our daughters gain precious aunts. Women who are not mothering their own children have the clarity and focus to see deeply into the character of children webbed by family. A child is fortunate who feels witnessed as a person, outside relationships with parents, by another adult.” – Louise Erdrich – The Blue Jay’s Dance: A Birth Year, 1995
I owe so much to my aunties, those women connected to me by birth and blood as well as those whom I met independent of those ties; several of the women who became my non-blood aunties were even friends of my mother; these women, despite whatever she said about me (not much that was good), stayed objectively kind, and warm toward me throughout my childhood. Their kindness and warmth was a saving grace, although once we moved to the farm, eight miles out of the small rural village where I’d grown up, it became harder to see and be around those good humans, other than at large parties.
No more comforting presence around the pool, or kitchen table, no coffee and chat at the picnic table parked under the kitchen windows, when at least I could depend on a warm smile, a friendly word. None of that. Plus, mother was made miserable by the purchase and move; a permanent black cloud hung about her head. Watch out, kid.
Psychologists maintain that having one adult who is a supportive, mentoring or loving fan – can change the trajectory of any individual child. I believe this to be true, to a point. I certainly had adults who believed in me, but unless there is a direct intervention of some kind, a push up or down this or that road, a real recognition and action taken in support, stumbling blocks remain. Warmth and kindness, in other words, are not enough; they must be accompanied by acts, by action.
I have loved being an auntie, although it is challenging when there is conflict between myself and the parental units (a.k.a. my siblings), as there has often been. Constant, powerful consolation comes in the form of auntie status to my BFFs kids; now there is joy; now there is ease and loveliness; now there is a lack of complication and narrative jostling. There I have held a hand or given advice without fear of awkward silences and snide commentary, nasty consequence, or raging judgement.
Good gawd, how I have learned to not ever tell actual blood nieces and nephews what went on from my perspective, or how specifically difficult it was, because I am not the parent; thus, in my direct experience, I have ben deemed not entitled to the events and perspective I have regarding my own childhood or to tell the tale of same. I don’t, as the courts would say, have standing. I risk arousing the ire of the court. Big time. Sigh. Discretion may be the better part of valor, but having to stifle oneself and dance around ones own lived experiences is a bore. A chore. A bridge too far, often.
Being designated early on by nieces and nephews as ‘the cool aunt’ was also, at one point, a challenge. This was not, and never could be, a competition. But there it is, that sense of running a race I never consented to, signed up for, BAM! The starting gun. They are your children, and I expect them to honor you first and foremost, and – if they come to me for input, I will give it. Please don’t punish this loving auntie for so doing. Please?
However we have younger persons in our lives, they are – as are we to them – a gift. Whatever the complications (and there are always complications) women without children are a blessing in the lives of young people, presenting other options for how to be outside the societal norms that, in some cases, don’t fit, can’t fit, won’t fit or can even oppress. Plus, at their best, aunties are fun, slightly subversive, so like our moms at times (or unlike) it can startle; non-blood aunties can be so like their best friends energetically, intellectually, and otherwise, kiddos get why and wherefore on a deep level, learning that will pay them forward in their own lives.
How so? Why and wherefore? Because. The ‘why’ mom is BFFs with so and so instructs us, and the wherefores of long-term friendships, which support and sustain us in our lives, do so as well, helping us find our own peer friends for life, if we’re lucky. And even, if we’re luckier, other aunties, knock wood, whose wisdom, support and friendship is a gift, a gift, a gift.