What to do, what to do, what to do…about my friend K. We’ve known one another for over a decade, and we don’t see one another very often, but ugh. I love her, and want her to be happy or at least content – but, the truth is, I just can’t stand her.
Argh.
Of course I can stand her, mostly, sorta? At the same time I strategize around how and when and for how much time I can stand her because – well, because her negativity is a tsunami of bleak and bleaker, a dark and stormy tidal wave that has been washing over me (or trying to) for several years now. It’s un-fun. It’s a drag. It’s heavy going and lifting. Life is hard, I agree, but oh my god, girlfriend, lighten the fuck up, already! There is also so much beauty and goodness in the world. If it’s that bad…change it, change your circumstances, or ask for help, I can help, I’ve offered time and again – or just – stop!
Stop, Moj. Just stop Deep breaths.
Even strategizing, I end up wanting to slash my wrists after I’ve talked to K. on the phone. Which talks happen only when I have fully prepared myself for the litany of woes, girding my loins for dealing with her stream of bad news and negativity; those chats happen less and less frequently as the weeks and months pass because the consistency of the negativity, and her inability to accept ANY help, or make any moves to change her circumstances, has shut me down.
It makes me feel bad, disloyal, and a bit shitty – but not as shitty as spending time with her.
Oh dear.
She is old. Her house is falling down around her head. She can’t find anyone to do the work she needs done. She has a ferret or a family of same that have made their way into her kitchen. Mice and mouse droppings are everywhere. Her home is in the middle of nowhere, and the very good offer she had for it a handful of years ago went away as she delayed and delayed and delayed moving out to a safer, more efficient home or an apartment in the village nearby, where nothing she saw met her exacting standards. She can’t cook (other than reheating in a microwave) or use her washer and dryer because ferrets and mice and who knows what else have taken over and destroyed her electrical appliances. She needs to update her essential documents but refuses to do the work required. She asked me to help her with that part of the constellation of issues she is facing, and then delayed and delayed and delayed and changed her mind, and I just can’t.
I won’t.
Lately I simply listen for as long as I can stand it, and then I say, ‘Gosh, I have to get going, K. That all sounds rough, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Let me know if I can do anything, and you take care. Love you!’
“I weep because you cannot save people. You can only love them. You can’t transform them, you can only console them.” – Anaïs Nin