*My progressive opinion column for the month of March, published in the regional newspaper for which I write March 14th, and posted here on a bit of a lag because – oh, just because. Thanks for being here, and for following along.
It should surprise no one that from birth to age 18 and beyond, I was sexually assaulted on more than a dozen occasions. These incidents, while hardly incidental, ranged from stalking, groping, and molestation to outright rape. But, why say it’s unsurprising? How can that be? Because the sad truth is that every 68 seconds an American (9 out of 10 are female) is sexually assaulted, an average likely based in underreporting. Every 9 minutes, that American is a child.
Two of the sexual assaults happened the summer after I graduated high school; both men were married with small children, former teachers and coaches of mine. I thought of them as old men, which they weren’t but perception is (almost) everything. I also thought I was safe in their company because they were old, married, had kids, (one even attended my church), but most of all because I trusted adults to not sexualize or sexually assault me, despite all previous evidence to the contrary. Crazy, right? Less crazy, in truth, than a dangerous combination of naivete and societal training; female children especially are taught to trust adults, as well as to be nice, polite, and even – dangerously – compliant.
That naivete meant I also felt protected by my laser-like focus on the big haired, bellbottom-jeans wearing boys my age or very near it. Why would these old men ever imagine I was interested in them? Couldn’t they see I was just a kid, even if I was 18 and done with high school?
As it turns out, men have strong imaginations when it comes to their own desires and fantasies, along with equally robust feelings of entitlement, and very little in the way of impulse control. But, sure, not all men!
My childhood did, however, prepare me for adult life in Gordon Gekko’s NYC as well as back home again in the Catskills, where on a regular basis I was cat-called, flashed, and propositioned by men, as well as followed, harassed, and assaulted. But again, not all men! Why bring this up during Women’s History month? Because this is my history, and the history of 1 in every 5 women in the U.S. who are raped or sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. Reported assaults, that is – remembering that every 68 seconds figure – as it’s probably more like 50% of all women and girls experience sexual assault or rape in their lifetimes, or other less violent trespasses on our daily lives, bodies, and personhoods.
Not all men, but always men; all men need to do better, change their behavior, holding one another accountable; all men need to stop being so rape-y, so entitled, so selfish, so cruel. All men need to be better humans. A vital reframing of sexual violence making it clear that it is men who need to change their thinking and behavior, not women, is being led in this moment of transition by France’s Gisele Pelicot; she refuses to be ashamed; she didn’t commit the heinous acts of her ex-husband and at least 52 other men, all of whom who raped and abused her while she was drugged unconscious. Pelicot insists we put the shame and blame where it belongs: on the men who commit these acts.
In a world where elderly women keep their long-deceased husbands names in the phone book as a form of protection, let’s finally acknowledge the problem is and always has been men. If men are committing crimes – and there are now at least 2 Pelicot copy-cat cases being prosecuted in Britain and Germany – we need to hold men accountable, not women, and women certainly shouldn’t be ashamed when victimized. The shame belongs to and with the perpetrators, 98% of whom in instances of sexual violence are men. Men.
Rape, sexual assault, stalking and gender-based harassment are all rooted in a desire to assert power, not the power of desire. As long as we blame women for the acts of men (‘how can Hillary lead our nation, if she couldn’t keep Bill faithful!?!’), we’re failing true accountability as well as teaching our children what to do and expect. We all love to get away with ‘it’, don’t we? Heck, if he can do this and become president, lead a law firm, company, or be a cabinet secretary, why can’t any man? And if, as a girl, you see men wink at one another while objectifying girls and women or getting away with acts of sexual harassment and violence, you might shrink yourself, and your ambition, to survive that ugly narrative and reality.
Let’s get angry instead. Let’s vote and promote and celebrate and support more women in positions of power. Let’s make and change history, while acknowledging another oft hidden truth: women are better humans than men. But, sure, not all women…