“The secret, darling, is to love everyone you meet. From the moment you meet them. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Start from a position that they are lovely and that you will love them. Most people will respond to that and be lovely and love you back and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you can then achieve the most wonderful things. But get rid of any of the b*****s that let you down.” – Joanna Lumley
What a concept – and one that, as a child, I think I believed in: love, get loved. Simple pimple. It just wasn’t true too much of the time, and my shell hardened over the weeks, months, and years. Not a good or great thing, but necessary and understandable. I remain credulous, however, mostly believing people and what they say, when they say it, especially when they are speaking to their personal characteristics and experiences.
Happily, also, my bullshit meter is significantly sharper than it once was (thank goodness!), smelling that nonsense almost immediately, seeing the inauthentic for what it is (not much), all of which has been a gift and time saver.
Often, for many of us, our friends – not our family – are our tribe. It’s important that tribe be strong, supportive, loving and true, as well as honest and authentic. I remember Dr. Phil ages ago (before he lost his fcking mind and went MAGA-ty) saying that tribes share energy levels and like levels of intellect and intellectual curiosity. Sounded about right to me at the time, still does.
…But what happens to these men who lose their shit over time? Is it the ED meds? I think so. And the fame monster, which – when combined with wealth – is a corrupting force for most humans. I wonder, is he still pals with Oprah? Is that other nutter, Dr. Oz?! Gosh, I hope not.
Finding your tribe matters. It might be at work, or in the dark recesses of a bookstore or movie theatre where you finally find that person or group obsessed with old films or mid-century novels or hot wheels just like you. It could be in a bowling alley or fire department. I might be among other caregivers. It might be at church, temple, meeting house, mosque, or it might be on line (maybe). It might even be within your family of origin!!! You may have to get away from home to find it; you may have to travel miles, and feel lost for a period of time. But. Your tribe is out there, and worth seeking.
“The other part of me wanted to get out and stay out, but this was the part I never listened to. Because if I ever had I would have stayed in the town where I was born and worked in the hardware store and married the boss’s daughter and had five kids and read them the funny paper on Sunday morning and smacked their heads when they got out of line and squabbled with the wife about how much spending money they were to get and what programs they could have on the radio or TV set. I might even get rich – small-town rich, an eight-room house, two cars in the garage, chicken every Sunday and the Reader’s Digest on the living room table, the wife with a cast-iron permanent and me with a brain like a sack of Portland cement. You take it, friend. I’ll take the big sordid dirty crooked city.” — Raymond Chandler The Long Goodbye
Comfort is found in finding like-minded others who accept you for who you are regardless of the quirks, fits, and starts we all encompass. Better yet is finding those who love and accept us for our flaws and weird-ass behaviors because they know – self-aware – they have them too.
Acceptance starts at home, though, always, within our own too often self-flagellating minds and hearts. When I think of all the time I wasted hating on myself, it makes me sad, and – I let it go. Do I still, sometimes, berate myself for silly stuff and perceived flaws that don’t matter a damn? Yes. But these days and for many years now, I nip that useless sh*t in the bud.
And if someone not in my tribe is mean or hostile, if a new acquaintance is patronizing or just plain crappy to me – oh please, that ain’t gonna fly. Buh-bye. Quality over quantity, always.
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.” ~ Frida Kahlo