*more true stories compiled by James Fell from women and what happened to them – and happens – after woman and girls say no…
I was at a guy’s house just to watch a movie. He started tugging at my clothes and trying to kiss me. I repeatedly told him to stop. Then he pulled out a knife. I cried the entire time. The people I told insisted I should have still fought back. – C
If she says no, why can’t you just accept that?
Part of the reason is that men don’t trust women. We often consider them (*are taught to mistrust and consider them) to be irrational, that they don’t know what’s best, so how could she possibly be correct in her assertion that she doesn’t want your dick? The reality of how we constantly question how women perceive reality is prevalent in how frequently we engage in mansplaining (again, men are taught entitlement, and are not taught empathy, often completely lacking an ability to put themselves in a woman or girls shoes – God Forbid!!).
He kind of mildly hit on me on a city bus. I deflected, then pulled the cord for my regular stop. He asked why I would get off the bus just to ignore him, then followed me down the street and into my office building yelling at me about my rejection of his advances. – B
There is another reason why you can’t accept a woman saying no to you. It is because you are weak. If you possessed true strength and real confidence, you would realize that this word is not a challenge to your masculinity. You would accept that rejection is part of life, and you would move on.
You: Can I buy you a drink?
Her: No thank you.
You: Okay. Have a nice evening.
See how easy that is?
You: I have feelings for you.
Her: I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same way.
You: Okay. Thanks for being honest.
Admittedly more challenging, but what is the alternative? You can be dignified and decent and accept the reality of her truthful answer, or you can be an asshole.
Too often, men choose the path of the asshole (*what a great title for a book: The Path of the Asshole).
He guilted me into letting him kiss me and that was a big mistake. That caught me into the trap of if I didn’t let him do what he wanted, I would be a dick tease. I repeatedly put him off FOR HOURS, and each time I told him no, he took things a step farther. Eventually we are laying in bed together with my roommate in the room and he’s trying to take my pants off … I ended up getting him to at least go to a deserted common room, let him have sex with me, and thankfully he never came back to visit. I told him no verbally probably 50 times. – L
When she says no, and you push, and she keeps saying no, and you keep pushing, and eventually you get what you want, this is not an accomplishment to be proud of. This is not something you should feel good about. You took something from her that she didn’t want to give. She wasn’t enjoying the experience. She was disgusted. She finally gave in to make you go away because she came to fear that if she didn’t you’d do something even worse.
I am 17. I’m kissing a boy and he wants to have sex. I say no, and no again, but he wheedles and begs and stops me from leaving the room and I’m tired and drunk and all my friends left me alone at this party, so I say yes just so it will be over. It’s not rape but it scars. Later my friends tell me I took his virginity, like I was the one that took anything. –A
You need to realize that when a woman says no, it has meaning!
I drank too much, and when he drove us back to our suite I was nearly passed out. He was trying, I said “no, not when I’m drunk” but I was in and out of consciousness. I remember seeing him out, but it wasn’t until the morning after that I realized he stole my virginity. I said no, he did anyway. – L
In fact, when you consider how history has conditioned women to acquiesce, you should give extra weight to a woman’s no than to a man’s. If she is saying no, it’s because she really, honestly, means NO!
Take no for an answer. Take it like a decent human being.
I was 18 and at a bonfire with friends. I started flirting with a guy and we ended up having sex. About 5 minutes into it, I decided I was way too drunk and wanted to stop. He then covered my head with a pillow, held me down, removed the condom, and finished inside of me. – A
BE a decent human being. Be strong and confident enough to accept that some women will say no to you. Work on being a better man, and you will find women who will give you an enthusiastic yes.
This piece contains only a sample of the hundreds of messages I received when I asked women for stories about when they said no and weren’t listened to.
I was 18 and went to my boyfriend’s house after lunch to get ready for work. His family wasn’t home. I was in the bathroom, putting on makeup when he came in suddenly and locked the door behind him. He pushed me against the sink, running his hands and rubbing his body all over me. I said “No, wait!” Becoming panicky. But he didn’t stop. I said, “I have to go to work!” Nearly crying. And he raped me on the bathroom floor before taking me to work. That was my first time. – M
It wasn’t even anything I wanted to do. It happened because he had finally worn me down after months of begging and guilting me … It hurt, and I asked him to stop, but he told me that wasn’t how it worked. He said it stopped when he was finished. – A
When I came to, he was raping me in front of his friends. I started to cry and say no, while trying to push him off. He just laughed and kept going. – M
I was 8 months pregnant with our 3rd child, working a 12-hour job on my feet 7 days a week plus another 4 hours at home on the phone 6 days a week. I finally went to bed at midnight, with the alarm set for 5 AM. My then husband rolled on top of me and proceeded to rape me. I said, “No.” I said, “No, PLEASE.” I said, “Not tonight, I’m SO tired …” I said, “You’re hurting me.” I said, “I can’t breathe.” I said, “Please, please, please stop.” The bedroom door was open and my 3 and 5-year olds were asleep in the next room. I didn’t scream or fight because I couldn’t bear for them to come in. He ignored me, finished, and rolled off me, and snarled “What the fuck are you crying for?” That was the night I started planning my escape. – G
Propositioned by a stranger in a bar. I said I wasn’t interested. He grabbed my shoulder and threatened to take me out the back and rape me. I fled to a taxi without even saying goodbye to my friends. – J
My partner came home drunk. I was 8 months pregnant and didn’t want to have sex. I said stop repeatedly. He pushed me onto my stomach and said, “Do as you’re told.” I just gave up and let it happen while I cried in pain. – K
I went to a party with a date and everyone except myself and two guys passed out drunk. They flirted, and I flirted back. Then one got aggressive and pushed me against the wall. I said no and asked the other for help, but instead he told the other one to “hold me down.” – B
It was my husband. Raped me three weeks after our daughter was born and I was still healing. I didn’t get a chance to say no then. But said it repeatedly thereafter, and the guilt trips would begin. It was better to do it and get it over with otherwise he’d keep me up all night, fighting/blaming/hating. I finally left, but had many years of having my “no” ignored. – C
My ex-husband raped me. He was bigger and stronger and didn’t care I said no because I was his wife and I’d better act like it. – L
I was having a going away party before I deployed to Afghanistan. A guy from my friend group came; he had always made me a bit uncomfortable due to his misogynist views on women and relationships, and I had told him I wasn’t interested in dating him for that reason. He seemed to take it well, and I invited him because I didn’t want to be rude by including everyone but him. Long story short, he roofied my drink and once I was incapacitated he took me back to a nearby hotel room he had arranged beforehand. He spent the next seven hours violently raping and sodomizing me. I woke up the next morning covered in blood and bruises and vomit, and he acted like nothing was wrong. – Z
I wasn’t into him, so I declined politely. He slipped something in my 2nd beer and I woke up to him raping me in his bed. – H
One time I declined a dance and this dude, I shit you not, stomped on my foot. Then he pushed me, and my fellow sailors beat the shit out of him. Broke my foot though. – L
I was fooling around with a guy at my place but didn’t want to have sex. I told him no repeatedly, but he kept going for my pants and didn’t listen until I grabbed his wrist. I gave him a handjob so he’d leave. – A
My college boyfriend repeatedly tried to convince me to try anal sex, but I refused. One night as we were having sex “doggie style,” he suddenly pulled out and plunged into my rectum to full depth. I had to beg him, crying, to stop. I bled. He shrugged and said, “I thought you’d like it once you tried it.” – L
When I was a freshman in high school, a junior or senior kept asking me out. I resolutely told him no thank you. He started following me home. On several occasions when I was home babysitting my siblings, he would call and describe in detail where I was in my house, what I was doing, what I was wearing. It was horrifying. – J
Had a brief relationship with a man. Things were moving a little fast, and he wanted to spend the night. I told him no, and he flat out refused to leave. He raped me in my own bed that night. – J
I was flattered to get attention from one of the football players who lived on my floor who got me to go back to his room (where I thought other people were going). He fed me booze and when I said no to having sex with him he held me down with a hand over my mouth because I was trying to scream and raped me. – S
I was at a male friend’s house watching his pets. He came home drunk and shoved me up against a wall. I said no. He was stronger than me, but I fought the whole time. When it was all over his cum mingled with my blood from where he’d ripped me in his roughness. – L
Was working in a cake factory. Dude wouldn’t take no for an answer. Waited until I was at the water cooler (in a corner) and pushed me into the wall, grabbed my breast, and wanted to know why I wasn’t agreeing. Management told me not to involve the police because he was “such a good worker.” – G
16 yrs old, blackout drunk, woke up to someone having sex with me … when I said stop, his response was “I have to finish.” The worst part was being labeled a slut at school. – M
Told a boy in high school I didn’t want to go out with him, so he assaulted me in an empty classroom. – M
Decided to hang out with a friend from work one day. He drove me to a secluded area and assaulted me. He had a fiancé (his now wife). I told him to get off of me. He replies, “Why say no when it feels so right?” and told me to be quiet before someone heard him. He’s now a police officer in that town. – J
I said no to a guy when I was 15 years old. His response was to throw me onto the living room floor and straddle me so he could kneel on my arms. He then hit me in the face a number of times, taking turns with his right and left hands. I was able to get away after a few minutes, but he never understood why I wouldn’t let him within 50 feet of me again. – V
Went on one bad date with a guy and when I turned him down for a second date, he was waiting at my car every day after work for about a week … He brought little gifts like notes or drawings or candy. When the security guards in the lot banned him, he found out where I lived and was waiting in my garage for me with flowers. That’s when I called the cops. – J
I used to cater for films. An extra asked me out and I said no. He took a business card, called the shop, cajoled an employee into giving him my home number, and proceeded to call me several times a day for 18 months. – C
Told a male coworker I wasn’t interested in dating him. His response was to constantly email me, Facebook me, text me, call me, until I was forced to change my number and block him. Management’s response? To make jokes about him being my boyfriend. –B
*not all men – but always men. No means no.