Epictetus said that ‘Suffering arises from trying to control what is uncontrollable, or from neglecting what is within our power.’
Dude. Right on. And, sometimes, it just ain’t as simple as that. Sometimes we go through shit and it not only stinks, it clings, inhabiting and haunting our sinuses, clothes, and the fragile cloud of witness we all individually are to our daily lives and actions, hovering so long it seems we will never be free of it. A haunting is a haunting, and all the positive thinking and affirmations in the wide world, all the best wishes and psychedelics on this planet can’t make a dent in that ghostly reality.
It is easy, is what I am saying, to ignore or minimize other people’s suffering when we’re sitting pretty and feeling good about ourselves. It is easy to ascribe other people’s pain to bad luck, weakness of character or of spirit, to prescribe religion or drugs or more time in nature when it is not our road that is broken, not our road to figure out.
“Each of us has his own rhythm of suffering.” – Roland Barthes
A dear friend of mine is suffering, and has asked that she be allowed to isolate and withdraw. I will respect her wishes, even while it scared and scares me, hearing that. Still, she has asked, and it’s the least I can do, meet this moment with a ‘Yes, I will leave you alone to walk your present road’. She tells me that knowing I am checking in, that I am concerned, makes her even more anxious, requires her to step off the road she is on to reassure me, place a bandaid, play a role she does not wish to attempt just now because she cannot do it, cannot take care of others, must concentrate on placing one foot in front of the other.
I have had enough dark days of my own to know that there is no easy out, only through. I want to do more for my friend, but I cannot; accepting that is essential. It’s not about me – it’s her suffering, and she needs to do this alone. For now.
Thinking about the amount of suffering in the world – especially that which is man-made (war, for one example, exploitative greed for another), we all have more than one good excuse to stay in bed, refusing to rise with the sun. Yin and Yang. Light and Dark. For me, right now, life is good. I will go outside and sit in the autumn rays, saying little prayers made up from my well of joy, hope, and nothingness, sending silent, unspoken love to my friend, for my friend, for this world, for us all.
“At some point we all look up and realize we are lost in a maze.” – John Green, Looking for Alaska