*From the New Yorker Magazine, June 2022, shared here because the GOP and SCOTUS Hits on Women keep coming, trans people too – trans women, that is...& the LGBTQ community, it just never ends, does it? Well, yes, yes it does – we end it, by voting, action, and activism, and by giving a fuck. Nothing changes unless we give a fuck. Maternal mortality rates have climbed in the U.S. over the past several years, climbed, and pregnancy complications have increased as well, especially for women of color and Native women. Pregnancy is a complex physical experience, outcomes vary wildly, and we need to do better in providing pre and post natal care to every pregnant person, including those who do not want to be pregnant – but then our entire healthcare system is fucackta. Interesting to note that, historically, the American Medical Association was formed and founded in the 19th century in large part to remove women, mid-wives and community healers, from of the business – the business – of providing care, specifically maternal care, which – pre-modern contraceptive methods – was a very reliable and regular money maker for male doctors, and if I could remember the books I read this history in, I’d add their titles here, but – I don’t. Maybe I’ll add ’em later. Maybe not.
By Kathryn Kvas and Mia Mercado
Women’s bodies are incredible. They truly defy nature and literally all the laws of physics.
Women—what are they? How do they operate? And does that even matter? No one knows for certain how women’s bodies work. Trust us, we’ve asked everyone: men, congressmen, doctors who are men, ourselves in the mirror—everyone!
But, despite not knowing anything about women for certain, here are some definitive facts about women that we are confident about:
Like ikea furniture or a model airplane, women require time, patience, and an itty-bitty screwdriver. We all know that women take forever to get ready! It’s, like, what is she even doing in there? Shaving her body and filing for divorce? Unfortunately, women don’t come with an instruction manual. In this sense, D.I.Y. furniture and little planes are much easier to manage.
Women’s bodies are both impressive and confusing. See, women can have it all—or maybe just those two things!
Speaking of possessions, a boat can be a woman. A car can be a woman. But can a woman be a woman? That depends on the woman.
Women, like cars or boats, have many parts: a head, legs, a mouth for vocal fry, hands for making cookies. If you look closely, women also have a tiny pullstring. When you yank it, they say typical woman things, such as “Sorry!” and “No worries if not!” and “Please stop, that’s my tampon!” And did we mention “Sorry!”?
A woman and her body are defined by the men around her. In fact, if you look up the word “woman” in the dictionary, there is a photograph of a Republican congressman, red-faced and yelling, “I’ll tell ya what a woman is!”
Every so often, a voice in the back of our heads questions whether what we’re saying is right—if this really is how women’s bodies work or if we’re just making stuff up because we can’t be bothered to learn anything. But then we think, Nah, we’re men. And men know more things. That is another important fact about women! They know fewer things than men.
A woman really doesn’t need much to stay alive. Just some sun and water on occasion and she will thrive. If you want to go the extra mile, giving her some fertilizer is always a nice bonus. But, if you’re looking for something even more low-maintenance, experts recommend a succulent.
So there you have it! That is how women work. And if there’s one thing to remember from all of this it’s that a woman cannot be trusted with important tasks, such as being the President or deciding what movie to stream or what to do with her body. But one thing’s for certain: a woman’s body can (and must) be a house for a baby. ♦
