*This is the last of this particular archive from 2010, and – perhaps odd to post today – but – here we are and here it is Father’s Day. I could just post a picture of Diego’s snout, I suppose – but instead, this. Thanks for reading.
May 18, 2010 La-La Land
This weekend I will be heading to LA for my niece’s wedding. I have only been to LA once before and I have to admit I did not like it very much – waaaaay too much plastic surgery on parade in every day life freaked me out…and having to drive everywhere at a time when I was a dedicated NYer who loved the subways and bus system, this despite reading in one of those hateful women’s mags that you are a failure if you are still using public transportation after 35 – what the fuckety fuck what? Ridiculous. Women’s mags for the most part seem designed to shame other women into feeling bad, so that they will go out and buy “restorative” “renewing” “rejuvenating” crap they don’t need. Now in the Catskills of course I have to drive everywhere, although I am a dedicated biker for errands, and try to have at least one day of no driving per week, weather permitting.
Funny, too, to think, as I did this a.m., that upon receiving an invite to a wedding my first response is oh yippee this should be fun and then, over time, the reality of events, family events, and all that can entail ~ sinks in… would it be very rude for me to request (if you have to ask the answer is, inevitably, yes) that I not be seated anyway near my sister? Not that I will be, of course; she is the mother of the bride, and, knock wood, my date and I will be seated at a nice neutral table near the dance floor with a small group of convivial persons unknown to either of us. I had hoped one of my fave cousins would attend but she has had to cancel – damn! It’s all good and after all I am a guest and should not be expected to do anything or be anything other than a party-goer, and fond, appreciative onlooker.
I’ve been considering, as well, a stock answer to the inevitable question “how is dad”, “how is your father”, “how is my grandfather” with something like “he was fine when I saw him on Thursday – as far as I could tell – but if you need to know call him…”. Can you tell I am tired of answering that question from very well-meaning people in the community and elsewhere who could call my dad, or stop by and visit but won’t – death and the thought of death being an almost viral disease in the minds of many no matter how far off or imminent it might be. Gosh I’m snarky today – and I slept well too. I have an outfit chosen for the event itself, I think. Who is that over-weight, middle-aged femme in my bedroom mirror? Talk about a virus.
May 25, 2010 Hitting the Wall
I am hitting the wall today after a week filled with so much emotion, activity, highs and lows it’s a wonder I haven’t crashed before this. But I literally could not – and now, with a few minutes to spare in which I can sit down, breathe, and write, I am slamming that wall, sinking fast: I’m melting, I’m melllllttttingggg! Arrrgggghhh!
To summarise: on Wednesday eve I spoke with my darling father who was feeling very frisky indeed. He called me at the Bovina Library which he rarely did (long distance!), especially over this last period of his illness and two hospitalizations, to ask for a few items. I was happy not only in hearing his voice, but also in knowing that these requests were a sign of his stability, and high spirits (one of the items he asked for was porn). Also, because of the requests I stopped by to see him – to give him his light bulbs (the other item) – and spend a few moments talking about the weekend ahead, when I would be away at my niece’s wedding and just who was doing what in my stead during that time. And to smooch him, rubbing my face against his five o’clock shadow.
When I stopped by the very next morning, he was gone. Dead. I found him and screamed for what felt like forever. I then called my brother and screamed some more – the poor thing – he didn’t know what was going on and so the day began. While the pain of that moment and the last few days is still sharp, it was been overridden in the time since by the great love members of the community have shown for this man as well as by my own overwhelming store of good memories of him laughing and being his precious self. And I went to California for the wedding anyway, which had its highs and lows, as major life events will as a matter of course. Seeing my niece get married was great, as were the hotel and the Mercedes we rented to get us around LA in style; when I wasn’t looking out at LA through tears, that is.
And now I must learn to live without my dad with whom I spent a lot of time, with whom I shared a really fun friendship, for whom I have (had?) such deep, deep love and respect. First, the eulogy which I have tried to write but have yet to find the beginning for, or the end for – because I must know one or the other to sketch in the rest…maybe I will just breathe and first allow myself to slide down and off the wall.
RIP, daddy, rest in peace.